


with a side of trouble

by lotts (LottieAnna)



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Fluff and Humor, M/M, Mythical Beings & Creatures, Urban Fantasy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-03-29 16:21:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13930773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LottieAnna/pseuds/lotts
Summary: Mat's not a vampire.Seriously.





	with a side of trouble

**Author's Note:**

> IF YOU FOUND THIS THROUGH GOOGLING, KNOW ANYONE MENTIONED IN THIS STORY PERSONALLY, OR ARE MENTIONED YOURSELF: please, please click away. This is a work of fiction and nothing written in this story is true. Any accurate information used in this story is publicly available information about public figures, the rest is made up, 100%.
> 
> [Mat Barzal looks like a Twilight character](https://realvampirematbarzal.tumblr.com/) and that's really where this came from. Be warned, this starts off with a vaguely gross description of a dead animal, and there are a few mentions of blood.

So, there’s a dead rabbit in the locker room, which. Ew.

Its corpse is all furry and floppy, but there’s not a lot of blood or anything, save for two clear holes that pierce the neck. It looks drained and almost like a pelt, and if Mat wasn’t totally grossed out, he’d probably say that it was a fairly well-done job. You could probably turn the pelt into a scarf, or something.

As it stands, Mat’s… pretty grossed out.

All the guys are standing in a circle around it, not really sure what to do, until John clears his throat.

“Alright, no one’s getting in trouble for this,” he says. “But if there’s a vampire on this team that’s not getting enough to eat, just let me know, and I can tell the trainers.”

No one says anything.

“Guys,” John says again, sounding a little bit like a teacher who asks a question about a reading no one did. “Come on, it’s okay. Seriously. These things happen.”

If crickets could enter the locker room, Mat suspects they’d be chirping about now.

John just sighs. “Alright, well, someone should call maintenance.”

“I’ll do it,” Tito says, raising his hand, and after John gives him a small nod, he scampers out of the locker room.

***

Look, Mat _knows,_ alright?

Pale skin, dark hair, strong jawline, blah blah blah—he started getting the _Twilight_ comparisons as soon as the books came out, and they got a hundred times worse when he was drafted to Seattle. When news came out that the movies were being shot in BC, he knew he’d never hear the end of it.

For the record, Mat has never read or watched any part of _Twilight_ ever, he does not sparkle in the sun, and he has no idea if real vampires do, because he’s not a vampire.

He’s _not._

Seriously, the jokes are bad enough, but the more irritating part is the sheer number of people who flat-out refuse to believe that he’s genuinely, truly, never once in his life felt a desire to drink blood. It’s not like there’s anything wrong with vampires, but Mat isn’t one, and that’s fine by him.

But this whole rabbit situation looks like it’s about to turn his minor annoyance into an actual problem, which means that Mat’s about to launch a serious supernatural investigation.

Not like he has the time for it, but. He’ll make time.

***

“Is it really that bad?” Tito asks.

“Yes,” Mat says firmly. “I mean, nothing against vampires—”

“But you wouldn’t want to be one?” Tito finishes.

“What? No,” Mat says. “I just don’t want people to think I’m lying about this shit.”

“If it was you, would you lie?”

“I mean, I probably wouldn’t have said something in front of the whole group,” Mat says. “But in private afterwards, to John.”

“Maybe they said something to the trainers,” Tito suggests.

“Hopefully,” Mat says. “If it happens again, everyone’s gonna get on my case.”

“It won’t,” Tito says. “I’m sure whoever it was is embarrassed.”

Mat stares at him for a second; he looks nervous, for some reason.

“You believe me, right?” Mat says. “I’m not a vampire.”

“I do,” Tito says.

“Like, I’m really not,” Mat says. “I swear, I—”

“I’m sure, but—” Tito pauses.

“But what?” Mat says.

“Nothing,” Tito says. “I just feel kind of bad for whoever it is.”

“I would, if they weren’t totally throwing me under the bus,” Mat says.

“Well, do you have… I don’t know, an alibi?”

“An alibi,” Mat echoes.

“Yeah,” Tito says. “Someone who knows where you were before practice that day. Who can stop the rumors.”

“I mean—” Mat starts, but he cuts himself off.

“Maybe Seids,” Tito suggests.

“No,” Mat says quickly. “No, I went in early that day.”

“Why?”

“I was meeting with the trainers about a thing,” Mat says. “I mean, I guess that’d help, but I wanna figure out who it is, so I can let him know that he’s totally screwing me over,” Mat says.

“He’s not screwing you over,” Tito says. “It’s just a rumor.”

“Well, it’s a rumor he can put a stop to,” Mat says.

“That’s not fair,” Tito says, a little angrier than Mat is expecting. “Why does this even still matter? The rabbit’s gone.”

“Because I don’t want people to think I’m a liar,” Mat says. He’s not sure why this is turning into a fight, so he figures the best course of action is cutting off the conversation. “I’ve gotta go.”

“Alright,” Tito says, still sounding mad. “See you.”

“Text me later?” Mat says.

“Sure,” Tito says, sounding like he probably won’t, and Mat’s not sure what’s up with that, but he’s not gonna dwell on it when he’s got a vampire to hunt.

***

So, update: figuring out which of your teammates is a vampire based on one dead rabbit is not easy.

“They don’t do autopsies on roadkill, Barzy,” Ebs says, looking vaguely amused. “It’s not a murder.”

“It could’ve been a pet,” Barz says.

“But it probably wasn’t,” Ebs says. “No big deal, vamps get hungry sometimes. We understand.” He gives Mat a meaningful look.

“It wasn’t me,” Mat protests. “At this point I’m tempted to say it was, just to get you guys off my back.”

“Plenty of the guys think it’s me, too,” Ebs says, holding his hands up. “It’s not just because you’re all… Cullen, or whatever.”

“What the fuck is a Cullen,” Mat says flatly.

“Doesn’t matter,” Ebs says. “Point is, it’s also because we’re the new guys.”

“What difference does that make?” Mat asks.

“They haven’t had a slip with someone before,” Ebs says. “Even if there are guys on the team who are—y’know, they’re not vamps. They’re just, like, creatures.”

“We prefer the term supernatural,” Mat says, rolling his eyes. He’s a little offended on behalf of the mystery vampire that someone thinks he could be Ebs, because he’s, like, aggressively human.

“We?” Ebs says.

Mat looks at Ebs, then sighs, figuring part of the truth might be good for that alibi Tito was talking about. “I’m half something.”

“You mean half… supernatural?”

Mat nods. “No vampire, though. So, y’know, that rabbit wasn’t me.”

“Then what are you?” Ebs asks.

“That’s a loaded question,” Mat deadpans.

“You know what I mean,” Ebs says. “What kind of—what variety of supernatural are you?”

“It’s rude to ask,” Mat says. “Don’t humans have manners?”

“I’ve never had this kind of conversation before,” Ebs says. “It’s cool, just want to know.”

“I don’t want to say,” Mat says.

“Why?” Ebs asks. “Is it, like, dangerous?”

“No, what the hell,” Mat says. “It’s just not something I talk about that much.”

“Are you embarrassed by it?” Ebs says.

“It’s not—whatever, let it go,” Mat says, blushing a little, which Ebs picks up on.

“You’re so embarrassed,” Ebs says, way too gleeful, and Mat groans. “C’mon, Barzy, tell me. Are you a goblin?”

“No.”

“A gremlin? A pixie? A siren?”

“None of the above,” Mat says. “Let it go, Ebby.”

“No, now I’m curious,” Ebs says. “Maybe some kind of nymph?”

“I’m not a fucking nymph,” Mat says. “Why would you even—I thought you didn’t know anything about this supernatural stuff.”

“I know some things,” Ebs says. “I read books.”

“Since when?”

“Since—I don’t know. Sometimes,” Ebs says. “Why don’t you tell the guys about it? To get them off your back?”

Mat raises an eyebrow. “Because I want to avoid this exact conversation.”

“Okay, then let me tell them, and then I’ll be the only one bugging you about it,” Ebs says.

“Don’t bug me about it,” Mat says.

“Please?” Ebs says. “One guess a day?”

Mat considers giving in to that, before remembering that this is not a negotiation. “It’s not even anything fun. I can’t even do much.”

“We’ll work on it,” Ebs says. “But let me tell the guys I have solid proof you’re not a vamp, okay? Then you’ll feel better about it.”

Mat sighs. “Fine, do whatever,” he says. “Don’t turn this into a thing.”

“Will do,” Ebs says.

***

Okay, Mat is. Maybe regretting his whole conversation with Ebs.

Look, he’s not embarrassed about it, really, he just—he knows how people tend to respond to him when he tells them, and it’s always… weird. Like, vampires probably have it easier, he figures, because vampires are cool, and chill, and people, like, go to high school with them and stuff.

When people see Mat, they get all… quiet, and start looking at him like he’s something otherworldly, and, like, he’s not. He’s a standard supernatural, human-passing as anyone else, and he’s only half, so it’s not like he can do any of the cool magic shit people expect him to. Just a few cool transformations. Party tricks at best, and Mat definitely does not whip them out at parties.

But if he doesn’t tell them, everyone’s gonna wonder, and Mat doesn’t really need this in his life.

“Hey, uh,” Tito says, interrupting Mat’s train of thought. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“What?” Mat says.

“So, you know the vampire thing?” Tito says. “And how the guy was throwing you under the bus?”

“I know you don’t agree—”

“That’s the part I wanted to talk about,” Tito says. “I was kind of a dick about it.”

“Just a little,” Mat says, though the apology makes him feel better than he expects it to. “It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not,” Tito says. “Listen, I—I know you’re not human.”

Mat sits up real fast at that. “What?”

“Sorry, I just—”

“Did Ebby tell you?” Mat says. “Is he already—”

“What? No,” Tito says, frowning. “He was telling guys to back off with the vampire stuff, but he didn’t—did you tell him?”

“Just that I was something,” Mat says. “Or, half of something, technically.”

“To get them to stop bothering you?” Tito asks.

“More or less,” Mat says, shrugging.  

“Oh,” Tito says. “I’m sorry.”

“I mean, it’s not the worst thing,” Mat says. “I’m fine with it, but people always make such a big deal.”

“I didn’t,” Tito points out.

“Yeah, but you don’t know what it is.”

“So?” Tito says.

“So—” Mat starts, and then he cuts himself off. “Actually, no, I’ll show you.”

“You mean, what you are?”

Mat shrugs. “Why not?”

“You don’t have to,” Tito says.

“I mean, you already know it’s something, so I might as well,” Mat says. “It’s better than worrying that you’re, like, speculating.”

“I won’t be, I promise,” Tito says.

“Do you not want to know?”

“I—” Tito says. “I mean, I’m curious, but I wouldn’t ask.”

“You’re not asking, I’m offering,” Mat says. “So?”

After a second, Tito says, “Only if you want.”

Mat rolls his eyes, and then, slowly, he begins to shift.

He’s never actually seen what he looks like to other people, because it’s not the kind of thing that he can actually photograph well, but based on what his sister looks like, it’s just, like, the same as he usually does, more or less, but with a special glow, plus the wings and the faint outline of a halo.

Unsurprisingly, Tito’s jaw drops.

“Holy shit,” he says. “Or—am I allowed to say that?”

“Oh my god, I’m not, like, divine,” Mat says. “And it’s only half. I don’t do magic, or anything.”

“So you can’t fly,” Tito says.

“No,” Mat says. “The wings are just decorative.”

“They’re really beautiful,” Tito says, and he’s doing that thing everyone does—where they sound, like, awed—except then he adds, “Okay, I’m officially the worst.”

Mat frowns. “Why?”

Tito looks at the ground for a second, and then he turns to Mat, and slowly starts to smile, a bashful, vaguely apologetic kind of grin.

Except, instead of, like, normal teeth—

“It was you?” Mat says, shifting back into human mode fast. “You’re the vampire?”

“I’m sorry,” Tito says. “I’m so sorry, I talked to the trainers—”

“You totally let me take the fall,” Mat says. “Bro.”

“I’m sorry,” Tito says again. “Please don’t hate me.”

“Is that what you wanted to talk about?” Mat says.  

“I—sort of, yeah,” Tito says.

“What does ‘sort of’ mean?”

“It’s—never mind, it’s dumb, I was gonna tell you,” Tito says. “That’s how I knew you weren’t human, because—”

“Blood,” Mat finishes. “Man, you should’ve told me earlier.”

“I know, I fucked up,” Tito says. “I really, really am sorry, though.”

Mat looks at Tito, who looks very genuine, so he sighs. “It’s okay,” he says. “I was probably being dramatic about the whole thing, anyway.”

“No, you weren’t, it’s totally my bad,” Tito says. “I’ll tell everyone it was me.”

“You shouldn’t have to do that,” Mat says. “It’s fine, I’ll just let it blow over.”

“But—”

“If I don’t want to tell everyone my shit, you shouldn’t have to tell everyone yours,” Mat says, and Tito doesn’t argue that, because, Mat assumes, it’s pretty inarguable.

“I mean,” Tito says, “that’s… fair, but—I still feel bad.”

“You can find a way to make it up to me,” Mat says, a little halfhearted. He’s not even mad anymore, really, even though he wants to be, because he can kind of understand where Tito’s coming from.

“I was gonna offer to buy you dinner,” Tito says.

Mat turns to look at him, squinting; Tito’s blushing a little bit, staring at his feet, and Mat’s not really sure what’s happening, all of a sudden.

“And you’re not offering anymore?” Mat asks.

“I mean—like, yeah, I am, just—it was—ignore me,” Tito says. “I’ll buy you an apology dinner.”

“What kind of dinner were you planning on buying me before?” Mat asks.

“Well—this conversation went a little bit differently in my head,” Tito says.

“Okay,” Mat says.

“Like, I was gonna ask you that first, then tell you about the whole vampire thing, and if you didn’t hate me we could—get dinner, but now I feel bad asking.”

“I don’t hate you,” Mat says. “I was annoyed that everyone thought I was—”

“A vampire,” Tito finishes.

“A liar,” Mat corrects. “Honestly, the vampire jokes are annoying, but I’d rather get _True Blood_ comparisons for the rest of my life than have to hear 'Halo' every time I walked into a room.”

Tito smirks at that. “Your angel stuff is pretty, though. I just have weird teeth, and leave roadkill lying around by accident.”

“I’ve never been a fan of rabbits anyway,” Mat says.

“Still,” Tito says. “I can’t ask you on a date right after telling you I totally let you take the blame for a dead bunny.”

There’s a beat of silence, and weirdly enough, the thing Mat realizes is that most people would be way too intimidated by the angel thing right now to even be having this conversation.

“When can you, then?” Mat asks.

“Uh,” Tito says, sounding caught off-guard. “I don’t know, in a few days, maybe?”

“Alright,” Mat says, and he’s buzzing, a little bit. “Well, I’ll say yes whenever you ask.”

“You will?” Tito says.

“Well, yeah, you probably do owe me a dinner for the whole rabbit thing,” Mat says. “And your fangs are cute, so. I’d be down to make it a date.”

“My fangs aren’t cute,” Tito says.

“I say they are.”

“Well I say—we should, uh, go to dinner sometime.”

Mat smiles. “I thought you were gonna wait a few days.”

“I changed my mind,” Tito says.

“Then I didn’t,” Mat says. “C’mon, I’m hungry.”

***

So really, the supernatural stuff isn’t a big deal, and, like—Mat doesn’t tell anyone about the half-angel thing, because no one besides Beyoncé should ever sing that song, and Tito doesn’t tell anyone about the vampire thing, because he’s still embarrassed about the rabbit incident, but the whole thing blows over very quickly.

As it turns out, people will forget all about any sort of supernatural gossip when they find two of their teammates making out in an elevator.

 

 

**Epilogue**

“I really hate that we just watched that,” Mat says.

“Why?” Tito asks.

“Because now I actually understand all the dumb _Twilight_ jokes people make,” Mat says.

“Too bad, your boyfriend’s a vampire, you sit through the movie,” Tito says. “Those are just the rules, sorry.”

“Fine, then you have to sit through _Grease,”_ Mat says.

“Joke’s on you, I love _Grease,”_ Tito says. “And I’ve already seen it. Multiple times. That does not count as a movie about angels, by the way.”

“Damnit,” Mat says. “I’ll have to think up something else.”

“I’m sure you will,” Tito says. “Seriously, though, thanks for being a good sport about this.”

“Of course,” Mat says.

“I’m so thankful, I won’t even point out that you do actually kind of sparkle,” Tito says.

Mat glares at him, but Tito just gives him a dumb, cheerful grin, fangs and all.

“I don’t sparkle, I _glow,”_ Mat says. “There’s a difference. Edward’s, like, a disco ball—”

“And you’re more of a nightlight,” Tito finishes.

“Fuck off, bloodsucker,” Mat says.

“Mmm, no thanks,” Tito says, grabbing Mat’s arm and wraps it around his shoulders. “You’re comfortable.”

“Fair enough,” Mat says, pressing a kiss to the top of Tito’s head.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay listen angel!Mat is so hilarious to me but also this picture exists  
>   
> so I mean. It's not totally out of nowhere. 
> 
> Anyway the image of Tito's cute smile with fangs is important to me, also him curled him in Mat's hella soft angel wings. Also the title is totally from "No Angel" because I couldn't find a lyric in "Halo" that quite fit this story.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] With a Side of Trouble](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17682932) by [Annapods](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annapods/pseuds/Annapods)




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